Secrets make you sick.
I grew up in a family where you were told to never talk about anything outside the "system". That everything was not supposed to be talked about with others. I was made to feel gas lighted and ostracized from others. I was told to never tell people I was adopted because I looked enough like my adopted family. I was a secret.
When you live your whole life as a secret from your own extended family, and your own biological family, it is like you don't exist.
This made me angry. It's like I don't exist except in my own mind. Like I am crazy, unstable, unwanted, unloved, and not needed. This creates depression, isolation, and silence from the adoptee. We don't talk about it, because we don't think we really are a human being.
So recently when my worlds have collided, and people who I thought I would never meet have come close to home...it's odd. Here are two separate worlds, one of the adopted family and one biological. There are no sides, no fighting, but there are questions. Will people accept me? Will people understand? Will they accept each other?
Ambiguity is frightening. I have spent such a long time being comfortable with how my life is, I don't know where it will go from here.
But I won't be silent. I won't keep it a secret anymore.