Death does not forgive life
My adopted father passed away two weeks ago. I, before and after, received a surge of phone calls, text messages, and online notes about how I should have "reconnected" with him. Some begged me to forgive my abusers. Others, just the continual denying of my feelings and experiences.
My least favorite response "Well, He/she didn't act that way around me".
That's is the whole issue with narcissistic abuse, they aren't going to act the same way around others as they would who they are abusing. People tend to think children who stop talking to family as "Selfish , ungrateful, and spiteful." But in the end we were just tried of dealing with toxic behaviors that never changed. We are so tired of explaining to people why we are fed up. We believed that we had Fear, Obligation and Guilt to stay with our adoptive families, because that is the trauma bond they had created. I was told my whole life "what happens in the family, stays in the family". Sound familiar? Its an abusive manipulation tactic used to keep people fearing from reaching out.
There is a great article that talks about estranged parents, and how they are not to be trusted:"I have no idea what I've done wrong"
I am currently working on writing my life story about all the losses I've had, and trauma my family put me through. Its helping me to heal. Forgiveness is also important. Not for your abusers, but for yourself. You never need to re-open that door ever again, but you need to have self compassion. Abuse happens and sometimes you don't even know that it is happening to you. It doesn't matter if its 10, 20, or 50 years later. Death does not forgive people's abuse.
If you or someone you know is being abused please use these resources: